How to hide from the kids when you want to have sex


So it finally happened. Your family has grown in size, and you are a mother of two, beautiful, healthy twins. You can’t wait to teach them all that you know. Will they become lawyers? Or maybe nurses? You wonder what their personalities will be like and which college they’ll choose. So many questions and the only way to find out is to wait and see.

That was 8 years ago. Right now, there is one thing that’s a bit troubling. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that you haven’t been this happy in your entire life, but what surprises you the most is that you feel really… horny. You know that apart from wondering about the future of your kids, you also can’t stop thinking about places where you could have sex with your husband. You wouldn’t want your kids seeing you do the dirty. Okay, so what are your options? Let’s find out!

Back to the roots

You and your husband probably spend too much time in front of the computer screen. It is impossible to avoid that; most of the jobs involve staring at all sorts of screens for hours. If you want to let your body rest, a trip to the forest will do wonders. Beautiful trees, clean air, and you two, half-naked, panting and all sweaty.

You should be careful about choosing the place where you two will show all those silly animals how it’s really done. You don’t want to encounter any runners or boars. If someone calls the police because “it seemed like the woman was hurt” just explain that you wanted to escape from the consumer-capitalist society and be “real humans”, at least for a bit. When you have to deal with the law enforcement officers, pretending to be hippies is sometimes an excellent option.

A task for two?

Sometimes you might not be patient enough to wait until your husband comes home. No, it doesn’t mean that you should visit your neighbour instead. Perhaps you could deal with the issue at hand with your own hand? Or, maybe some toy, like a dildo, or a rabbit could come in handy? Sure, you would prefer to feel the touch of your partner, but some situations require radical solutions. Perhaps you could send him a photo of you managing your problem? I’m sure that it would lead to some creative problem solving later on.

Taxes are scary

Do you know what scares little kids the most? No, it’s not the threat of the Chinese ruining our economy. It’s the taxes. All those weird numbers and boring sheets of paper – there’s just no way that a child would feel even a bit of excitement. You could use this to your advantage! Whenever you feel that you don’t want anything else in the world more than your husband’s body on top of you, you could start talking about taxes. Just talk some nonsense, like “Steve, what about the form 669, how do you file it? I would do anything to have my form filled. I hate taxes”.

Once your children have lost all the interest in your conversation, you two could go to another room, lock the door, and proceed to do all the calculations regarding what goes where. You’ll figure it out, I’m sure. You don’t even need to muffle your moans too much. Just tell your kids that you really hate taxes. Hopefully, it won’t influence their political opinions when they grow up too much.

Your bathroom

If you aren’t really scared that you’ll slip and fall, having sex in a bathroom is one of the best options if you want to have sex, but there are kids nearby. You don’t even need to explain anything. You are dirty, and you need some water on your face to feel great again. You can have sex with your husband anywhere – in a shower, in a bathtub, on the floor.

Unfortunately, though, water is not a very good lubricant, which means that sex in a shower with the water running is less pleasurable than you would think. Still, turning on the water is a good idea. It could be difficult to explain why mommy was screaming while taking a bath with daddy unless there was a very big spider.

It’s not the end!

There is no denying it – having children makes it much more difficult to have fun with your partner. You need to be sneaky, but you also need a list of excellent excuses. It doesn’t mean that it’s all bad. You’ll notice that because you have to hide, the sex is now somehow more exciting. There is a chance that you’ll get caught, and is there a better aphrodisiac than this thrill of danger?

Harsh Vardhan

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